- Monica Pema
- Nov 20, 2024
- 4 min read
by Monica Pema, November 2024
Loyalty is often celebrated as a noble and virtuous trait. We are taught from an early age to be loyal to our family, friends, and causes we believe in. Yet, what happens when loyalty goes too far—when it causes us to give so much of ourselves that we lose our own sense of identity, well-being, and worth? This is the paradox of self-betrayal through loyalty, where the balance between giving and receiving becomes deeply skewed.
The Fine Line Between Loyalty and Self-Sacrifice
Loyalty, at its core, is a commitment to someone or something. It’s an allegiance that is often born out of love, duty, or a sense of responsibility. But while being loyal to others can foster deep, meaningful relationships, it can also lead to self-neglect when not balanced with self-compassion.
In many cases, people find themselves in a cycle of constant giving, only to realise that their needs are rarely, if ever, reciprocated. This dynamic creates an unequal relationship—one where others are free to take, but you are hesitant to receive.
Psychologists refer to this as "over-giving," a pattern where individuals prioritise others’ needs at the expense of their own. According to researcher and psychologist Dr. Margaret Paul, "many people are trained to believe that giving to others is good, while receiving is selfish." This belief can manifest in various ways, from staying in toxic relationships to overworking at the cost of personal health, all under the guise of loyalty.
The Root Cause of Self-Betrayal
Why do so many of us struggle to give to ourselves? The answer often lies in deeply ingrained beliefs and conditioning. We live in a society that frequently idealises selflessness, often at the expense of self-preservation. As Brené Brown, a research professor and expert on vulnerability and shame, states: "We can love others in a way that strengthens us only when we can love ourselves without guilt." The guilt that accompanies receiving, whether emotional support or physical resources, is what prevents many from asking for and accepting what they need.
Culturally, loyalty has been tied to ideas of endurance and sacrifice. For many, being loyal means to "stick it out," even when their needs go unmet. This can be particularly true in familial relationships, where loyalty to tradition, expectation, or role can result in putting others’ happiness above your own. The fear of letting others down often outweighs the necessity of self-care, leading to a form of loyalty that serves everyone but you.
The Danger of Chronic Over-Giving
Chronic over-giving not only harms you emotionally but also physically. Research shows that people who consistently suppress their needs experience higher levels of stress, which can lead to conditions such as burnout, anxiety, and even depression. When we betray ourselves in the name of loyalty, we are essentially saying that our needs don’t matter as much as others’. This, over time, creates a deep disconnection between ourselves and our true desires.
Moreover, the relationships built on this kind of loyalty often become unhealthy. When others continuously take without reciprocating, it fosters resentment, frustration, and feelings of being undervalued. The balance of power shifts, and rather than mutual respect, the relationship can become one-sided, often resembling a caretaker role rather than a partnership.
Finding the Balance Between Giving and Receiving
True loyalty doesn’t mean forsaking yourself. It means valuing both your relationships and your own well-being in equal measure. The tricky part is finding the balance between giving and receiving, a delicate dance that requires constant awareness and intention.
Self-compassion is a key factor in this equation. As Kristin Neff, a leading expert on self-compassion, explains, "Self-compassion involves treating yourself with the same kindness, concern, and support you'd show to a good friend." This perspective encourages a healthier balance where loyalty to others is not exclusive to the loyalty you owe to yourself.
Start by setting boundaries, a practice that is often difficult for chronic givers but essential for emotional well-being. Boundaries help define what you’re willing to give and when you need to receive. By recognising and honoring your limits, you can prevent feelings of depletion and resentment.
Additionally, learning to ask for help—and receiving it without guilt—is essential. Accepting help doesn’t make you less capable or loyal; it makes you human. As relationships are reciprocal by nature, you deserve the same level of care and consideration that you so freely offer to others.
Reclaiming Your Self-Loyalty
At its heart, loyalty should be an expression of mutual respect and care, not a one-way street that leaves you empty. Loyalty that demands you to betray yourself is not true loyalty—it’s self-sacrifice masked as devotion. By understanding the importance of giving to yourself, you reclaim the loyalty that matters most: the loyalty to your well-being, joy, and fulfillment.
The journey to balance isn’t about becoming less loyal to others; it’s about becoming more loyal to yourself. As you cultivate self-awareness, set boundaries, and embrace self-compassion, you will find that you are still able to give deeply to those you care about—without losing yourself in the process.
Reconnect with Your Inner Balance
If you find yourself constantly giving but rarely receiving, it’s time to listen to your body’s wisdom and reclaim your inner balance. At PEMA Mind and Motion, we guide you in reconnecting with yourself through mindful practices that restore your sense of worth and well-being. Learn to give from a place of abundance, not depletion, and create space for the balance you deserve. Explore our holistic courses designed to upskill practitioners, or dive into a personal journey of self-discovery through the unique synergy of mind and motion. Your well-being matters—let us help you rediscover that.
Click https://www.monicapema.com/contact to connect.